


Committing to Memory

by Montana



Category: Raven Flight - Juliet Marillier, Shadowfell Trilogy - Juliet Marillier
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-17 02:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1369798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Montana/pseuds/Montana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neryn is allowed one night with Flint before her real training with the Hag begins. Consider this a scene re-imagining. </p><p>I borrow some dialogue from the book.</p><p>Characters and Universe belong to Juilet Marillier</p>
            </blockquote>





	Committing to Memory

There is a loud, violent crash. I wake with a start. Sitting up, I look to the windows, the shutters shake with the strength of the wind. The storm has finally arrived. I expected to be woken by either Tali or Flint. It's just as well I woke to the storm; it is likely they might have continued to let me sleep. I'm exhausted but the thought of Flint in the same room with me once again sends my blood surging through my body with renewed vigor. 

Before I know it, Tali is handing me food and drink. We make small conversation; she tells me of her time with the Hag. All the while, Flint remains quiet, listening and watching, as I suspect his Enforcer training has instilled in him. Although I'm glad to know Tali is in fact alive and well, not dead as the Hag had me believe, I can't help but want her to go, to leave me alone with Flint so that we might finally speak in private. It's been quite some time since it was just me and him alone together. I don't care if we don't discuss the feelings between us, I just want to be close to him, to touch him without anyone's disapproving glances.

I move to the bench, seating myself next to Flint. However, I don't sit too close, not wanting to impose the contact. I shiver. With the lack of meat on my bones, the cold air brought on by the storm seems to go straight through the fabric of my nightgown. Tali reaches over and adds more wood to the fire. 

I feel a shift on the bench as Flint moves closer to me, his thigh against my own and his arm snakes around my shoulder, pulling me into his warmth. The gesture is so casual, I wonder if he cares for Tali to notice. At this point I'm beyond caring. As logical as it may be to shy away from our feelings for each other, I can't and it doesn't appear Flint can either. This may be the only time we have like this for years to come if not ever and I don't want to act any differently only because there is a third person. 

Somehow I meet Tali's eyes anyway. There's a slight shake to her head; I likely wouldn't have caught it had I not been looking. I know her opinion, it changes nothing.

"I don't understand why this Hag subjected you to such a grueling test," says Flint. It's the first he's spoken since I woke.

"Neryn coped well," chimes in Tali. She continues and although I hear the rest of what she's saying, a shred of my consciousness is devoted to the hand Flint has wrapped around my body. His fingers gently stroke the material of my nightgown, just under my breast. With my arm at my side, Flint's tender touch remains hidden from Tali. "...won't do something like this again, Neryn?" I catch the tail end of what Tali is saying. But I don't respond.

Flint speaks up, it seems the two of them are determined to kept the conversation going, despite my silence. 

"I had hoped for one certainty at least: that for the period of your training you would be safe." 

I rest my head upon his shoulder, falling into the security of his body. I speak for myself this time and the discussion continues with talk of my safety and of the Hag. My mind often lingers on the fact that Flint shouldn't be here, despite how much I want him to be. He has his duty as a spy for Regan and Enforcer for the king. I don't dare mention any of it. 

I shrink away from the conversation mostly because I'm overcome with exhaustion. I remain content to simply listen. I can't hide the yawn but I shield my mouth anyway. I don't miss the glance shared between both Tali and Flint. 

Before I know it, she's biding us both goodnight and heading for the door.

Flint, in his Enforcer calm responds and leaves my side to bolt the door after her. Either I'm too tired to see the deeper meaning behind this or my own desires are finding their way into reality. My body springs to life at the idea of being alone with Flint tonight, I almost can't contain it.

"Tali agreed to go and sleep somewhere else?"

Flint remains by the door, his face in shadow. The firelight does not reach him, making his features difficult to read. "Only after I promised we would be mindful of all the reasons why this was not a good idea." He looks back at the door and then to me. "If you prefer, I can call her back."

"No! No, of course not." I hadn't imagined that this would be a possibility for us and I hope he can understand my surprise and not confuse it for apprehension. I had imagined the whole scenario to be awkward in fact, with Tali occupying one bed and Flint another. I had expected to once again not to have an opportunity to express any of the emotions that had only built up inside me during our time apart. 

Flint comes over to me, on the balls of his feet, he crouches in front of me. He takes both of my hands in his. His voice sounds unsteady. "I hoped this was what you wanted." It is, oh it is. "It was one reason I came back. The look on your face when she said you could only take one of us... But, dear one... I don't intend that we..." His face flushes, he neck and cheeks distinctly red with a blush. "I believe some things must wait. You and me... what is between us... Our lives are perilous." I wonder if the reason he wanted to be alone is so that he can recant his feelings for me. Perhaps with the time apart, his feelings have changed. My chest suddenly feels constricted. "Every moment of every day, we're in danger of discovery. The closer we become, the more likely that one of us may be used against the other. That is the way Keldec's forces work. Neryn, we cannot risk lying together as lovers." I release a strained breath. Is _that_ what he's worried about? "What if I got you with child?" 

I can't help the sudden thought of myself pregnant with Flint's child. The image of a young boy with Flint's hair and eyes creeps into my mind. I shouldn't picture such things, not with our futures still so unclear, not with Keldec still on the throne. That's what Flint is telling me, anyway. He's right. As much as we cannot deny our hearts, we must deny our bodies. There is too much at stake. "Tell me what you do want." My desire for Flint has not abated, even with his voiced concern. There are many ways to get around such risks. 

He smiles sweetly. His eyes fall away from mine for a moment as if he's imagining exactly what he wants but doesn't say. His gaze rises to mine once again. "What I truly want must wait for another time." And for an instant I think that perhaps he would find my own implication too tempting. "For now, I will be content, more than content, if we lie side by side as we once did by our campfire." 

"Really?" I ask, trying to seem excited while inside I'm hiding disappointment.

"Believe me, I have relived that morning many times. Are you happy to share this bed with me tonight, so we can sleep in each other's arms?" There is a certain look in his eyes that speaks to me beyond his words. Is he implying what I hope?

Before I can control my mouth, my thoughts spill out. "That was what I hoped for, when we first came here. Only..."

"I promise I will not-"

"I'm not concerned about that." Although, I can't help the small part of me that wishes he would. I suddenly feel more tired than ever and I'm more worried about exhaustion taking over than about Flint's advances. "Only that I might fall asleep quite quickly, and that you may find that a little... insulting."

Flint laughs. And it is the first time I can recall hearing him do such a thing. The sound melts my heart. So many times have I seen the worried lines on his face, it's refreshing as well as heart warming to know he can still laugh and enjoy himself thus. I want nothing more than for him to have such moments of happiness in the future and I can only hope that I am the one he chooses to share that with. 

He finally speaks after he's settled down. "Sleep all you will, dear one." I smile at his words. "I will be content to hold you. Come, lie down by me."

I don't hesitate as I join him in the bed. We each take up residence underneath the covers as if this is something we have done so much that it's become as familiar to us as breathing. The truth is that I've never shared a bed with a boy before, though Flint isn't a boy so much a man. Still, the only time I've even laid next to a man was with him in the cave, the night before he confessed his abilities as a mind mender. 

Settled in the bed, I turn my head so that I can see him. He is already looking at me with his gray eyes. The firelight plays interesting colors along the contours of his skin. Before I can reach to touch him, Flint's fingers gently graze over the skin of my cheek, then reaching to tuck a stray lock of golden hair behind my ear. I lean into his touch. His hand moves further to cup the back of my head. I follow his lead, leaning towards him, to plant a kiss on his lips. His lips are surprisingly soft on mine. I realize only now that this is the second time we have kissed. He pulls back and I see a small smile has formed on his face. 

I am swept up into another kiss and before I can think anything beyond the sensation of our lips touching, we have moved closer, our thighs brushing against one another. Flint's hand lowers from the back of my head down my lower back, pressing me to him. I am somewhat surprised by the contact and a gasp escapes my lips between kisses. 

Flint immediately pulls away. "Neryn, I apologize if I seem too forward."

I giggle because I can't help it. "Forward? Lying in bed here with you, how could anyone think anything else?" His eyebrows draw together and I panic slightly, afraid that he'll reconsider our arrangement. His lips part as if to say something but I press my finger there. "This is all so new to me, but I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. This moment, being here with you, it's more than I could ask for."

I kiss the space between his eyebrows, hoping to smooth the lines of worry there. When I pull back it seems to have done just that; he looks calm once again. I reach for his hand under the covers and slowly bring it back to the place at my back. I can feel the heat of his palm through the fabric of my nightgown.

Although he seems hesitant, Flint initiates the kiss this time and my hands find their way into his hair. It has grown considerably since we said goodbye in the north. His facial hair has grown some too; I suspect that he chooses not to groom himself to Enforcer standards while he takes his solitary missions. The stubble on his face tickles my skin.

His lips move to pepper kisses along my jaw and then my neck. Between kisses he calls out my name like a litany. My fingers are strong in his hair as if I am drawing him closer to me. The hand at my lower back has shifted to my hip and I arch into him. He stops kissing me. I hear Flint's own sharp intake of breath and I worry that perhaps I've hurt him somehow. His forehead rests against my collar bone.

"Flint?"

His breath is heavy and ragged, stirring the fabric of my nightgown; I can feel it on my breasts.

"I need a moment, Neryn."

I keep quite, allowing him the time he needs. I kiss the top of his head just before his begins to stir. His forehead peels away from my chest and his eyes rise to meet mine. I watch as he eyes shift along my face. 

"You're beautiful."

I feel heat creep into my cheeks. He kisses my lips. I feel his tongue probe between my lips and give way. It's a peculiar sensation, our tongues dancing, but it causes an unfamiliar warmth to pool low in my belly. 

Flint shifts his body, one arm propping him up so that he is over me without me having to bare his weight. His other hand has not moved from my hip and I feel the sting of his fingers digging into me. It hurts in a pleasant sort of way.

His lips once again leave my mouth to continue down the length of my neck and then to my collar bone, nudging the neckline of my nightgown with his chin. I am quickly becoming lost in his touch. 

My own hands have found their way down his back. Flint's movement has caused the hem of his tunic to shift, exposing most of the skin of his back. His skin feels as if it's burning beneath my palms. At the contact, his own hips press into mine. I am surprised by my own movements as my legs shift, wrapping around him. The hem of my nightgown raises to accommodate this new position. Flint's hand skim the skin of my bare thigh and then he stiffens. 

"Neryn." His voice is not reprimanding but a warning. "I don't think... I thought I'd have better control."

"Shhh," I say. "I trust you." 

He kisses me. "I'm glad you do but with circumstances as they are, I am not sure if I trust myself in this moment."

I unwrap my legs from around his waist. Looking up at him I say, "I love you."

His features soften a way I've never seen them before. He reaches back for one of my hands and bring it to his chest. "You are my heart, Neryn. I gave it to you quite some time ago."

I smile and bring my other hand to his cheek. He leans into my touch. "This is enough, it has to be. Until the moment when we no longer have to worry-"

"Until then," Flint says. "It will be enough." 

He kisses my forehead and slowly relaxes into position next to me on the bed. He does not relinquish my hand, our fingers entwined between us.


End file.
